photo by Siti Saad

Choices, changes, decisions, indecision’s – the older I get the more complicated things get and I’m starting think it’s me being a big ol’ drama queen!

I don’t think I like drama, but when things seem too easy, I immediately distrust whatever “it” is cuz nothing, nothing-nada, in life is ever really easy.  I think it’s so easy though to get too caught up in the complexities and in’s and out’s of life that you kinda forget what’s really up –like, um, living life to the fullest!

I read two inspiring things today that really made me stop and think about the up’s and down’s I’ve been experiencing the past several months and while I’m not “cured” I think perspective is always awesome.

The first inspirational post I read today was from my friend and fellow Galavanting Gal Maren Hogan.  In her post today she explains why she decided to transition into a new, full-time gig with Galavanting.  She writes “In order to receive something your hand must be open, not a closed fist, still holding tightly to something that is no longer yours.”  I’ll admit, I read that and cried. I even wrote Maren and told her so. I don’t think I can put into words how much this sentence really hit me, it makes so much sense! omg. Maren is so smart.

The second post is from someone I don’t know but I read her blog occasionally and it had a quote that said “choosing doesn’t limit your choices — it just changes them.”  Again, wow. Just because I make one decision doesn’t mean I won’t be making more decisions again.  Sounds like a no brainer, but I really needed reminding of this.  And if I’m wrong (and it happens, true story), I will just have to pick up my boot-straps and make another decision.  For some reason it always feels like every choice is final….it’s like:

this  -   is  -  the   –  last  -  choice  -  you’ll  -  ever  – make  –  so  -   you  -  better  –  get  -  it  -  right

wow, talk about pressure!

Sure, things come with consequences and reactions and you can never tell how one decision will cause you to make others but let’s face it, if we put the weight of the world on every decision, big or small, then we’re going to be lugging around a lot more than we can handle and should handle.  And really we don’t know what would happen if we didn’t do what we decided  - we just assume we know what would have happen and truth is, we don’t know!  Am I getting a lil existential here? Uhm, maybe a wee, lil bit.

I guess what I’m saying is, I’m less scared than I was a week ago about changes and not knowing what will happen. I’m so happy for the decisions I’ve made cuz they brought me here and now I have more choices and will continue to have more choices to make – just like everyone else in the world.  I’ve been getting too caught up in the intensity of what’s been going on in my world and yes, I still have hopes, I’m always imagining what could/would/will be but I think the fear of not really knowing has subsided.  I don’t think my drama moments or “spaz-outs” are done, in fact I’m sure I’ll have more in my lifetime, but I think I’ll try to reign in my drama and pass the crown off to someone else who wears it better – I’m more of a feathers-in-my-hair kinda girl anyway.

I believe we control our own life but at the same time I do believe life isn’t 100% controllable, fate (destiny, randomness, whatever-you-want-to-call-it) steps in and brings people together. I may choose to go to the bookstore but I don’t control who else goes there as well. So going there, me ; what happens there, fate…sorta. And right now, I feel like I made choices, I made decisions that I feel are the right thing (if things can be reduces to right or wrong), right for me and right for those I care about and now it’s like fate is going to step in and let me know where to go and that is fucking scary.

I really disliked my old job, I was bitter and cranky about working there but I was comfortable with my co-workers, I understood the job, and was able to do the job well and without much effort. Now I’m going into a job that piques my interest, has a creative and collaborative environment and I’m scared to fail. I also realize I could be incredibly successful but it’s the failure possibilities that eating away at me.

My mom’s cancer. This brings up such old wounds from when my dad had cancer and today being father’s day just makes this all more intense. Thankfully my mom’s surgery was successful, she will recover and this was just a lil blip on her health radar… but it’s still scary. And I’m trying not to dwell on what could have happened and just be happy it was caught early.

Love. The topic I could talk forever about I feel.

I feel like songs make more sense, movies make more sense, colors are brighter, the sidewalk sparkles… it’s like I finally understand what the fuss was all about and people are so devastated when it’s gone. I had a whirlwind romance – it was intense, passionate, caring, thoughtful, and totally bad timing. There is some saying that nothing happens at a good time, it happens when it’s suppose to. I get it, I just wish this romance could have happened when it’s time wasn’t limited – but then maybe that limitation added to it’s urgency and passion…I don’t know. I just feel like this person helped me see myself and world differently and inspired me to go beyond myself and because of how much I care and love him, I knew, he knew, we had to walk away. He and I could have continued as we were, but the fact would remain that we couldn’t really be together unless things are figured out and truthfully it wasn’t fair to either of us to remain in the relationship, we need space and time to figure things out. And that’s not like a I need space for a week to think, it’s like I have life decisions to make and being together doesn’t assist in making those decisions. I’ve been struggling with why something so great had to be so temporary and I get dramatic and think I’ll never see him again and that scares me, so I start hoping for another chance later, soon, not in the the distance future, but than I get scared that might not happen – the reality is I don’t know what will happen and that’s the scariest part. I guess I like imagining it is a real possibility. I actually talked a lot with my mom today about life and relationships and was surprised at her perspective on the subjects. I learned more about her past relationship history then I knew before and even more firmly believe that space will only be good for him and me. People weave in and out of our lives, sometimes people repeat this pattern over and over, sometimes not. And who knows what will happen with him, and me, and with us – the possibilities are limitless – This maybe a single chapter of my life, a whole book, or a series. I think some people have an affect on you and no matter what happens, whenever they come back in your life – either by fate or by your own doing…it will make you stop and take notice even more so than the first time around. He and I have been on the same wavelength on just about everything, I can’t imagine that we’ll end up on a different wavelength.

I don’t wanna be the one to say, “Goodbye”
But I will, I will, I will
I don’t wanna sit on the pavement while you fly
But I will, I will
Oh, yes, I will

‘Cause maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back around
Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back to me

I don’t wanna be the first to let it go
Oh, but I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I’ve got to let them go

‘Cause maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back around
Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back

I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
And I’m gonna wash away (I’m gonna wash away)
Oh, I’m gonna wash away everthing ’til you come home to me

Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back in the future
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back

Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back around
Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go

Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
(You’re gonna come back)
You’re gonna come back around
Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
(You’re gonna come back)
You’re gonna come back around
Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
(Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back)
(You’re gonna come back around)
Maybe you’re gonna come back
(You’re gonna come back)
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back to me

Mmmm
You’re gonna come back to me
You’re gonna come back to me

lyrics

This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed
They’re spreading blankets on the beach
Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am, don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever, I especially am slow
But I realized that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed
You felt as if you’d just woke up

And you said, “This is the first day of my life.
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you.
But, now I don’t care, I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy.”

So if you wanna be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We’ll just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides, maybe this time it’s different
I mean I really think you like me

why?

It’s super personal and what I have to say affects more people than just myself.  I think sometimes this is a struggle all writers deal with — what’s for you and what will benefit your audience. It feels really awesome for me to put it all out there, tell the world what’s been happening, and yet I realize that somethings shouldn’t be so public. Lessons were learned and maybe one day I will share those…but for now -

They say What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas…and this will stay with me.

It’s amazing how I can have polar opposite feelings at the same time and it feels OK. Everything I’ve felt the past couple weeks has been totally contradictory day to day and instead of fighting it, I’m just going with it.

That battle between the heart and head is a hard one to fight…

…………………..and I’m claiming neutrality defeat right now.
Though, who knows, tomorrow I may pick side. yup, I picked my side.

are you on team  or not?

this just might be the lesson in letting go I’ve desperately needed.

this song probably doesn’t make sense for this, but it does for me and that’s all that matters.
and for the record — I give a fuck about oxford commas.