27 was a learning year for me. A lot happened this past year – good, bad, and stuff I’m still trying to define. I’m in a different place in my life right now than I thought I would be had you asked me say 5 years ago.

I’ve done a lot of redefining, challenging my thinking/priorities, and to be honest I’m not necessarily getting any closer to knowing what I want then I was before…but I do think I have a better idea of what I don’t want.

I don’t want to:
apologize for being me
feel not good enough
feel like I’m not worth it
be second
be all work and no play
stay in so much
cry as often
care what others think
have friends who are toxic

]]> http://shannaquinn.com/2010/07/30/another-year/feed/ 0 http://shannaquinn.com/2010/07/25/toxic/ http://shannaquinn.com/2010/07/25/toxic/#comments Mon, 26 Jul 2010 03:28:57 +0000 Shanna http://shannaquinn.com/?p=980 tempted to throw out everything in my bathroom…

1. sleep
I seriously don’t sleep enough. If I could say I’m always productive with my time, then maybe I would excuse the 5 hours maybe I get a night, but really I’m just up, thinking, watching tv, and being useless.

2. find an organization system that works for me
I have more calendars than I know what to do with. I have one’s at home, at work, online, on my email, and in my phone and odds are all of them say something different. I need to find one system that works for me and that I will keep up with because lately I find myself surprised on how quickly things sneak up on me.

3. me time
I keep skipping things that involve personal upkeep i.e. today I was so busy at work I didn’t eat all day and so I skipped burlesque class— that’s two no-no’s! I should learn to stop and eat because it’s counter productive, if I’m starving I’m not going to perform well and thus make work stressful (not good for me or my boss). And by not going to a class I enjoy I’m making my life all work and no play. I’ve missed a total of 4 classes now which thankfully I can make up, but I need to make the time to do it.

4. laundry
This is ridic. I have tons of it and I need to either start doing it myself or lugging it to the cleaners nearby.

5. friends
I need to be better at keeping in touch with the ones I have and appreciating them and maybe getting rid of a few – it’s always better to be surrounded by people you love and love you back.

photo by Siti Saad

Choices, changes, decisions, indecision’s – the older I get the more complicated things get and I’m starting think it’s me being a big ol’ drama queen!

I don’t think I like drama, but when things seem too easy, I immediately distrust whatever “it” is cuz nothing, nothing-nada, in life is ever really easy.  I think it’s so easy though to get too caught up in the complexities and in’s and out’s of life that you kinda forget what’s really up –like, um, living life to the fullest!

I read two inspiring things today that really made me stop and think about the up’s and down’s I’ve been experiencing the past several months and while I’m not “cured” I think perspective is always awesome.

The first inspirational post I read today was from my friend and fellow Galavanting Gal Maren Hogan.  In her post today she explains why she decided to transition into a new, full-time gig with Galavanting.  She writes “In order to receive something your hand must be open, not a closed fist, still holding tightly to something that is no longer yours.”  I’ll admit, I read that and cried. I even wrote Maren and told her so. I don’t think I can put into words how much this sentence really hit me, it makes so much sense! omg. Maren is so smart.

The second post is from someone I don’t know but I read her blog occasionally and it had a quote that said “choosing doesn’t limit your choices — it just changes them.”  Again, wow. Just because I make one decision doesn’t mean I won’t be making more decisions again.  Sounds like a no brainer, but I really needed reminding of this.  And if I’m wrong (and it happens, true story), I will just have to pick up my boot-straps and make another decision.  For some reason it always feels like every choice is final….it’s like:

this  -   is  -  the   –  last  -  choice  -  you’ll  -  ever  – make  –  so  -   you  -  better  –  get  -  it  -  right

wow, talk about pressure!

Sure, things come with consequences and reactions and you can never tell how one decision will cause you to make others but let’s face it, if we put the weight of the world on every decision, big or small, then we’re going to be lugging around a lot more than we can handle and should handle.  And really we don’t know what would happen if we didn’t do what we decided  - we just assume we know what would have happen and truth is, we don’t know!  Am I getting a lil existential here? Uhm, maybe a wee, lil bit.

I guess what I’m saying is, I’m less scared than I was a week ago about changes and not knowing what will happen. I’m so happy for the decisions I’ve made cuz they brought me here and now I have more choices and will continue to have more choices to make – just like everyone else in the world.  I’ve been getting too caught up in the intensity of what’s been going on in my world and yes, I still have hopes, I’m always imagining what could/would/will be but I think the fear of not really knowing has subsided.  I don’t think my drama moments or “spaz-outs” are done, in fact I’m sure I’ll have more in my lifetime, but I think I’ll try to reign in my drama and pass the crown off to someone else who wears it better – I’m more of a feathers-in-my-hair kinda girl anyway.

I don’t wanna be the one to say, “Goodbye”
But I will, I will, I will
I don’t wanna sit on the pavement while you fly
But I will, I will
Oh, yes, I will

‘Cause maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back around
Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back to me

I don’t wanna be the first to let it go
Oh, but I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I’ve got to let them go

‘Cause maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back around
Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back

I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
And I’m gonna wash away (I’m gonna wash away)
Oh, I’m gonna wash away everthing ’til you come home to me

Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back in the future
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back

Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back around
Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back
Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go

Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
(You’re gonna come back)
You’re gonna come back around
Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back
(You’re gonna come back)
You’re gonna come back around
Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
(Maybe in the future, you’re gonna come back)
(You’re gonna come back around)
Maybe you’re gonna come back
(You’re gonna come back)
You’re gonna come back
You’re gonna come back to me

Mmmm
You’re gonna come back to me
You’re gonna come back to me

A few weeks ago my mom called and told me she had a mammogram that showed a lump in her breast and that she had to go in for a biopsy. The doctor called on Thursday to confirm she indeed has breast cancer.

photo by Gi

I have a lot of thoughts racing through my brain but I keep reminding myself how far breast cancer research and treatment has come plus my mom hasn’t seen her doctor yet to discuss her treatment so while cancer is never a great diagnosis, I’m hoping it’s been caught super early.

“Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.”

Followed my heart: check

Followed my heart but was quiet first: fail

Trying to be quiet…

but it’s hard when you’re all I think about.