27 was a learning year for me. A lot happened this past year – good, bad, and stuff I’m still trying to define. I’m in a different place in my life right now than I thought I would be had you asked me say 5 years ago.

I’ve done a lot of redefining, challenging my thinking/priorities, and to be honest I’m not necessarily getting any closer to knowing what I want then I was before…but I do think I have a better idea of what I don’t want.

I don’t want to:
apologize for being me
feel not good enough
feel like I’m not worth it
be second
be all work and no play
stay in so much
cry as often
care what others think
have friends who are toxic

]]> http://shannaquinn.com/2010/07/30/another-year/feed/ 0 http://shannaquinn.com/2010/07/25/toxic/ http://shannaquinn.com/2010/07/25/toxic/#comments Mon, 26 Jul 2010 03:28:57 +0000 Shanna http://shannaquinn.com/?p=980 tempted to throw out everything in my bathroom…

So am I stopping this blog? Nope.

I just signed up for 750words.com – it’s a blogging site, it’s a writing site. It’s a totally private site where you are encouraged to write 750 words a day…and as the site says “You can’t just fart out 3 pages without running into your subconscious a little bit… 750 words takes a bit of effort, and it never fails to get me typing things that I have wanted to articulate without realizing it. And that’s the point.” According to the website creator, this exercise is suppose to clear your mind and help motivate your creativity. So I’ve decided to take on a personal challenge, try to write 750 words a day for an entire year. I’m hoping this exercise in writing will help me have a more interesting, well-round blog.

DAY 1 of the 750 words challenge as completed prior to writing this post! whoohoo!

One of the fun features about this writing site is it “analyzes” your words and tells you what your words are saying about you and your writing at the moment.  Here is the snap shot of today:

1. sleep
I seriously don’t sleep enough. If I could say I’m always productive with my time, then maybe I would excuse the 5 hours maybe I get a night, but really I’m just up, thinking, watching tv, and being useless.

2. find an organization system that works for me
I have more calendars than I know what to do with. I have one’s at home, at work, online, on my email, and in my phone and odds are all of them say something different. I need to find one system that works for me and that I will keep up with because lately I find myself surprised on how quickly things sneak up on me.

3. me time
I keep skipping things that involve personal upkeep i.e. today I was so busy at work I didn’t eat all day and so I skipped burlesque class— that’s two no-no’s! I should learn to stop and eat because it’s counter productive, if I’m starving I’m not going to perform well and thus make work stressful (not good for me or my boss). And by not going to a class I enjoy I’m making my life all work and no play. I’ve missed a total of 4 classes now which thankfully I can make up, but I need to make the time to do it.

4. laundry
This is ridic. I have tons of it and I need to either start doing it myself or lugging it to the cleaners nearby.

5. friends
I need to be better at keeping in touch with the ones I have and appreciating them and maybe getting rid of a few – it’s always better to be surrounded by people you love and love you back.

Last weekend in New York I spent a lot of timing hailing cabs – either my destination was too far or too short of a distance which meant I stood on the street corner looking bewildered and wondering how taking me 10 blocks was too much of an inconvenience for someone who makes a living by, um, taking people places. After being turned away from 6 cabs on the corner of Broadway and 8th, I cried, and I don’t know this next cabbie took pity on me or he thought maybe I was paying in cash, but thankfully (finally) I was able to get to the airport and go home. On the ride to LGA I was thinking, why the fuck do people think New York is really all that? I haven’t a freaking clue!

New York isn’t the Big Apple, it’s the Big Ego.

crabapples by cobaltfish

I haven’t been to a bar/restaurant/site in NYC that doesn’t have an equilivant in just about every other big city. New York isn’t special, New York is BIG and I think people assume these magical things about a place they couldn’t possible see every corner of in two lifetimes. I think because of it’s size there is this general bloated-self image lingering in the air. eh, no thanks.

I’m sure I’ll be back to New York and I’m sure I’ll have many good times there (as you can have anywhere) but I’m not convinced I’ll ever understand the appeal to living there.

photo by Siti Saad

Choices, changes, decisions, indecision’s – the older I get the more complicated things get and I’m starting think it’s me being a big ol’ drama queen!

I don’t think I like drama, but when things seem too easy, I immediately distrust whatever “it” is cuz nothing, nothing-nada, in life is ever really easy.  I think it’s so easy though to get too caught up in the complexities and in’s and out’s of life that you kinda forget what’s really up –like, um, living life to the fullest!

I read two inspiring things today that really made me stop and think about the up’s and down’s I’ve been experiencing the past several months and while I’m not “cured” I think perspective is always awesome.

The first inspirational post I read today was from my friend and fellow Galavanting Gal Maren Hogan.  In her post today she explains why she decided to transition into a new, full-time gig with Galavanting.  She writes “In order to receive something your hand must be open, not a closed fist, still holding tightly to something that is no longer yours.”  I’ll admit, I read that and cried. I even wrote Maren and told her so. I don’t think I can put into words how much this sentence really hit me, it makes so much sense! omg. Maren is so smart.

The second post is from someone I don’t know but I read her blog occasionally and it had a quote that said “choosing doesn’t limit your choices — it just changes them.”  Again, wow. Just because I make one decision doesn’t mean I won’t be making more decisions again.  Sounds like a no brainer, but I really needed reminding of this.  And if I’m wrong (and it happens, true story), I will just have to pick up my boot-straps and make another decision.  For some reason it always feels like every choice is final….it’s like:

this  -   is  -  the   –  last  -  choice  -  you’ll  -  ever  – make  –  so  -   you  -  better  –  get  -  it  -  right

wow, talk about pressure!

Sure, things come with consequences and reactions and you can never tell how one decision will cause you to make others but let’s face it, if we put the weight of the world on every decision, big or small, then we’re going to be lugging around a lot more than we can handle and should handle.  And really we don’t know what would happen if we didn’t do what we decided  - we just assume we know what would have happen and truth is, we don’t know!  Am I getting a lil existential here? Uhm, maybe a wee, lil bit.

I guess what I’m saying is, I’m less scared than I was a week ago about changes and not knowing what will happen. I’m so happy for the decisions I’ve made cuz they brought me here and now I have more choices and will continue to have more choices to make – just like everyone else in the world.  I’ve been getting too caught up in the intensity of what’s been going on in my world and yes, I still have hopes, I’m always imagining what could/would/will be but I think the fear of not really knowing has subsided.  I don’t think my drama moments or “spaz-outs” are done, in fact I’m sure I’ll have more in my lifetime, but I think I’ll try to reign in my drama and pass the crown off to someone else who wears it better – I’m more of a feathers-in-my-hair kinda girl anyway.

I believe we control our own life but at the same time I do believe life isn’t 100% controllable, fate (destiny, randomness, whatever-you-want-to-call-it) steps in and brings people together. I may choose to go to the bookstore but I don’t control who else goes there as well. So going there, me ; what happens there, fate…sorta. And right now, I feel like I made choices, I made decisions that I feel are the right thing (if things can be reduces to right or wrong), right for me and right for those I care about and now it’s like fate is going to step in and let me know where to go and that is fucking scary.

I really disliked my old job, I was bitter and cranky about working there but I was comfortable with my co-workers, I understood the job, and was able to do the job well and without much effort. Now I’m going into a job that piques my interest, has a creative and collaborative environment and I’m scared to fail. I also realize I could be incredibly successful but it’s the failure possibilities that eating away at me.

My mom’s cancer. This brings up such old wounds from when my dad had cancer and today being father’s day just makes this all more intense. Thankfully my mom’s surgery was successful, she will recover and this was just a lil blip on her health radar… but it’s still scary. And I’m trying not to dwell on what could have happened and just be happy it was caught early.

Love. The topic I could talk forever about I feel.

I feel like songs make more sense, movies make more sense, colors are brighter, the sidewalk sparkles… it’s like I finally understand what the fuss was all about and people are so devastated when it’s gone. I had a whirlwind romance – it was intense, passionate, caring, thoughtful, and totally bad timing. There is some saying that nothing happens at a good time, it happens when it’s suppose to. I get it, I just wish this romance could have happened when it’s time wasn’t limited – but then maybe that limitation added to it’s urgency and passion…I don’t know. I just feel like this person helped me see myself and world differently and inspired me to go beyond myself and because of how much I care and love him, I knew, he knew, we had to walk away. He and I could have continued as we were, but the fact would remain that we couldn’t really be together unless things are figured out and truthfully it wasn’t fair to either of us to remain in the relationship, we need space and time to figure things out. And that’s not like a I need space for a week to think, it’s like I have life decisions to make and being together doesn’t assist in making those decisions. I’ve been struggling with why something so great had to be so temporary and I get dramatic and think I’ll never see him again and that scares me, so I start hoping for another chance later, soon, not in the the distance future, but than I get scared that might not happen – the reality is I don’t know what will happen and that’s the scariest part. I guess I like imagining it is a real possibility. I actually talked a lot with my mom today about life and relationships and was surprised at her perspective on the subjects. I learned more about her past relationship history then I knew before and even more firmly believe that space will only be good for him and me. People weave in and out of our lives, sometimes people repeat this pattern over and over, sometimes not. And who knows what will happen with him, and me, and with us – the possibilities are limitless – This maybe a single chapter of my life, a whole book, or a series. I think some people have an affect on you and no matter what happens, whenever they come back in your life – either by fate or by your own doing…it will make you stop and take notice even more so than the first time around. He and I have been on the same wavelength on just about everything, I can’t imagine that we’ll end up on a different wavelength.